"Graduation Day" Part I

Graduation is Contagious…

Now we all know that I have just shy of three months left in the JVC but why does it feel like it’s already over. Today was my last day of class, Graduation and the end of school are approaching and I must admit I caught the fever. I may be here through August but in just one a week; all the students that roam this campus will be gone.

I may still have my trip to Appalachia and Summer LP and JJP with the new sophomore and juniors to work on but it feels odd to know that a campus that was so filled with laughter and shenanigans will soon be somber and silent. The seniors are graduating and I will be off heading into the great wide open with nothing but butterflies in my stomach at the prospect of not knowing, and all this, this place & the students whom I have grown to love and appreciate will be nothing but a distant memory.

What about these seniors; over the past couple of days I have been feeling particularly drawn to them. I, in away, know exactly what they are going through. I am also nearing my own “graduation.” I am coming to my terms with my own uncertain future. I don’t know what in store, I don’t know what life is gonna be like, but I know I’m leaving an uncomfortable familiarity, one that I had gotten so accustomed too and I am left asking myself “What now?” Can I take it, can I find a job, live without a “community”, balance myself and exist in this cut-through world? Will my own naivety of a world based on service and love bring me down or will I be able to change and adapt? (Disclaimer: Chicago South, please forgive for my comments and jokes about your plight entering the real world, for I knew not what May 2011 would bring.) I may have 2.5 months but the presence of graduation has thrown me into a blind panic of fear and uncertainty.

Yet, as the school year comes to an end I feel an odd mix of relief, gratitude, appreciation and love. Now let’s get this straight sometimes being a 24 year old female at an all-boys high school is not always walk in the park. Some days I left frustrated and furious and the questions, comments, and sheer immaturity that went on. Other days I was certain that my students knew everything, taught me a thing or two about life and growing up. Other days I just wanted to cry at the brokenness of the students and the things they have all overcome to get where they are. Some days were met with hugs, fist bumps and hour long conversations about complete randomness, while others consisted of quiet, comforting solitude. Some days I just can’t wait to go home, while other days I can’t ever imagine leaving, especially the underclassmen. And today: all of the above. I watched in utter awe of the pandemonium of the seniors celebrating the end of classes, we are had end of year OFJ parties and students are showing appreciation. Attacked by hugs, gratitude, messages of we will miss you, you my favorite, we love you’s and please don’t leave us. It makes me feel pretty darn good to know that I had an impact and made a difference to these kids, and I feel the same.

It scares me heading into the unknown just probably always will. Not knowing what is going to happen, leaving places that have taught me so much that have become so familiar; Places that I have grown to love and felt loved in return; places that showed me what it meant to live in the world, and not simply just exist in it; places that have become so essential to my life that I now don’t know how to say good-bye to. Even though I know that I must. These places have done their job. They have prepared me for the next phase. I don’t know where I am going to end up, but I know I have been changed for the better because of the experiences that I have had. It will be hard to let it go; hard to say good-bye.

And isn’t that why I signed up for this stint in the first place. Wasn’t it all about falling in love with something, something that drives all of your being, something that wakes you up and makes your day worth living? Wasn’t it about getting your heartbroken when you knew there was nothing you could do to help the pain but be a presence? Wasn’t is about laughing so hard your sides hurt and crying because your just didn’t know what else to do? Wasn’t it about seeing the world and the people in it for what it truly was? Wasn’t it about becoming so changed by the places and faces that it resulted being so changed that your life was turned upside down? Wasn’t all just about making a difference and becoming “ruined?”

So, maybe as much as it hurts, I’m done here, I meet the people I was supposed to meet, did what I was supposed to do and now it’s time to move on. My student’s, my Casa Mates, my co-workers, my fellow JVs all an essential part of the process…

I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend….
--“For Good” Wicked Soundtrack


In a few short months I will finally gain that elusive “F” status that grants me access to this group of people that share my “experience” of being “ruined for life.” No, I’m not prepared, and no I don’t feel ready, but I’m going to dive in head first anyway. Attack my FJV status with just as much fever as I attacked the JV one. Maybe then I’ll continue to take chances, find love, get heartbroken, make mistakes, try something different, and live outside my comfort zone. I’ll leave something behind, and take something new with me. I’ll meet new people who will leave wholes in my heart.

So “JVC Phoenix Graduation”, Bring it….