It's not about me....

Now that you know the physical whats that have been occuring since we last met each other on these pages, its time to get deeper.

This past Weekend I had the opportunity to go on my second year retreat. It was in the embassy suites, right next to the beautiful LAX. Not exactly the most serene place for a retreat, but you do with what you can. Five of us from the Southwest and three from the Midwest.

I could not have been more thankful for this weekend that came when it did.
The time of year when all the simple living, soul serching, service, community living was just plain starting to burn me out. Here we are month 16 of living too many miles away from home to count, having to plan phone dates with people at home, and just plain wondering how much more JVC can I take. I had totally lost site of what I wanted to accomplish, and why I was doing this. I was struggling in Phoenix, with my spirituality, my community, to see the difference I was making with the students at work, why not eating meat was important, and it was driving me insane.

This weekend gave me a chance to process with others who knew what that feeling was like. We not only engaged in organized reflection activities, but also just had fun, enjoyed each others company, shared stories, and gave advice. We went to In-n-Out, lounged in the hot tub, made arts and crafts posters, and had a three hour convo that helped me gain persepective on this year, last year, and where I want to go from here.


I realize that I left a piece of myself in Chicago, with my former community, and the residents and staff of ABAM. I couldn't accept that before, and I felt guilty for it. Anytime I though about chicago, or the memories I made/good times I had I felt that I wasn't giving my all to community or I was living in the past. I've come to accept that this is okay. I was an experience that has shaped me, and my life, and I've also taken pieces of all of them on my journey now to Phoenix that I am now sharing with others.

Looking back I relize that my last year wasn't this glorified picture that I have painted it out to be. There were real struggles and it to, was hard everyday. There were fights at home, akward moments where I couldn't be myself, aggravating and tired moments at work that I was completely unqualified to handle, moments that I questioned what the heck am I doing this for, what am I actually accomplishing (i.e. rice week). But despite all the struggles it was an experience that I would never trade and have nothing but love for, much like this one. I am confident that come month 24 I will look upon this year with the same gratitude and love for the people of phoenix, my community, and my job.

With a little over a 1/4 of my JVC experience left to go I still have miles to go before I can say that I got that former status and have fullfilled all the goals that I had coming into JVC both 16 months and 4 months ago. I don't know if I will in the next 8 months either. But I will never know unless I start.

If we gotta start somewhere why not here
If we gotta start sometime why not now
If we gotta start somewhere I say here
If we gotta start sometime I say now
Through the fog there is hope in the distance
From Cathedrals to third world missions
Love will fall to the earth like a crashing wave
"Toby Mac"

The hardest part of this JVC business is to accept the fact that it's not about me. It's about everyone else. The people I live with, the friends I've made, the people I serve. It's about them. My committment to love and to serve and not to count the cost. It is only when I remeber that and apply it to life that my eyes will be opened and I will be "ruined for life"